Relak Day

I'm glad there's nowhere to go tonight, just listening to Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
I'm glad there's no school tomorrow, so I don't have that nagging dreading feeling on my back.

Just watch the National Day Parade. First time. And first time as a PR! I probably won't go back to Malaysia to live, because to me KL is dirty, claustrophobic, messy, inconvenient, traffic. :/ What others appreciate about it, maybe the mamak stalls (I never went to it, don't like it-dirty), shopping? (hmm don't like seeing the prices in larger numbers heh). What else? Home is there, but to me home is where family is. Anyways, the location of my house is no longer nice, houses mushrooming up everywhere. Even on the small plot where I buried my tortoise:(

This week was really sweet besides floorball trainings. Monday was suppose to be a meet-up with IB friends, but - even as I type this I'm still quite awed/surprised/touched by what they did.
I'm 21 this year. I knew i'd be in KL on that day, so no big party for me yo. They surprised me on the day I left, even calling my dad to come a little later so they could surprise me with really good cake.:)
My family wanted to throw me a party, but really who's there to invite? I'm not the kind that loves big parties of acquaintances, all my sec school friends are overseas, besides, there's only a handful of lovelies I still keep in contact with. So anyways, I told myself or just felt why do I have to make 21 so special. It's a "norm" created, I don't have to accept it. Yet somehow, on that Monday, I don't know why, I suddenly pondered that this year the only celebrations was with my family and IB friends. I felt a sad kind of thankfulness that I had them.
(Okay I think this is going to be a long post. Stifle that yawn thank you.)
That monday I had went to complete my PR stuff, and Rowena gave me the impression that when I was done they would be ready. haha. When I was done, called her, she's still out buying "stuff", told me to take my time. Called anh, said she's running errands, thought everyone is only meeting at five. 5!! I growled.(Sorry anh!) Yes I am such a prima donna. I hate waiting with nothing to do. If I could plan sth it's ok, but when I'm caught unprepared I hate it. (That's why I don't like to be early. Bad habit, stemming from self-conciousness). Yes it was super grouchy of me, and I do realise, after my US trip with my sisters, that letting my bad mood/slightedness show isn't very nice.
It was really a surprise. When we entered I was wondering why Shawna was hiding behind the curtains- cheap thrill. When they started singing happy birthday I was like oops looking around shoots who's birthday is it? I forgot! Haha.
They really really really put in so much effort. So much details- the decorations, the props, the cake(awesommest ferrero-rocherish base ever), gifts(onitsuka tiger shoes!!- side story, on my 19th I brought them into an onitsuka tiger store, but felt too guilty to get them to buy me a pair:p and a holga! they tricked my by rowena pretending to be interested in getting one), theme (stripes,national day), venue(fun icon!), cards (huge, decorated with photos too!), food (Seriously, lovely food eg vietnamese, macaroons, sushi, fried stuff, cupcakes that had sweet but nice icing - who needs a part planner company?
These people gave me a really nice surprise on my 19th, like really nice- planned one where each would get on the train at a different station with a different present:D (Hey guys maybe we should make this an alternate year thing? Haha!)
The gifts were a delight- yes I'm materialistic. (The dress too Twink!). See the photos and it's pure unadulterated delight on my face. :D
I wish the night was longer, that all of us had nothing on the next day, that tiredness did not seep in...
:)

Tuesday's training was tough, emotionally. But the team trip to Kelong did me good, although the budget for a new stick is gone. The impromptu sharing revealed a lot, made me feel less alone. It's really hard for me now, esp with my confidence issues which doesn't help my level of skill, which is lacking from the lack of trainings. In the past year I pulled out of competitions twice due to exams, so didn't learn much. I'm the slowest, least skilled player in the team now. I know I will improve, but at this point as a senior, I should be much much better. Then again, most of the team understands and hopefully the coach as well.

Aiyah Prisca just put in more effort and stop worrying!

Wednesday to Friday I went for the Navigators camp. Hmm, I didn't join the Navs last year, cos I had a (mistaken) impression that they were a little bit weird. Somehow, my dad met a graduate who stayed with a Nav couple. I actually was feeling a bit jaded from staying in hall. Like being stuck in the NUS bubble 24/7. Hall is not really a happy place for me. Superficial people get to me. Anyways, so there is a Nav apt that I'm looking into moving to.
Anyways, back to the camp. Nav ppl are super friendly. Of course there are moments of feeling out of place, but maybe I've matured, maybe it's different there, those moments didn't tarnish the whole experience. They are all super genuinely nice, and most importantly in a proactive way, ie much effort wasn't required to get to know them. Even the guys. It's a small group, so :)

Then saturday was floorball again. Met the coach properly for the first time. Had small group session before training. After a while he pulled me aside and said that I was afraid to make mistakes in front of him. And it's not helping cos he wouldn't know if I'm just nervous or lacking-in-skills. True. Something I have to work at, not just in floorball. Other than that, training was good. The pace is better, I hardly looked at the clock, when I did, was glad to find that time had passed quickly. Wasn't as tired. Learnt of course. Acquired 3 blisters and a headache. :( But this time no tingly feelings in my hand.

Sunday. Met cell. Glad to be back. Funny moments in cell. Cell lunch was kinda fun. Being fetched to the bus stop a bonus. Came back. Roommate home. (Hmm why am I doing the what I did blah blah blah).

Yup so will go running when the sun rises. School starts Tuesday.

Funny Day

I haven't blogged for eons not for the lack of things to say, but rather privacy issues. I'd rather not have some people know certain things, for irrational reasons somewhat. But it's so instinctive that it just broils up (that's the best expression I could think of to describe the feeling) and diminishes the desire as soon as I log in. Soon will come the day that I will be okay with it, cos I'm not gonna lock this blog or move somewhere else. It's been close to four years already!)

Today was a funny day, in both sense of the word. Weird and amusing. I'm not sure whether it's due to the movie I watched yesterday, Ice Age 3, where there were a few laughable moments (Quite a bit of adult jokes huh. Like the gay butterfly and the squirrel bedroom scene. It wasn't funny being in a cartoon.) ( I think I really can't find kiddy movies satisfying. The cliched storyline, and jokes that try too hard or think the audience is easy... only some moments here and there, when you let your guard/expectations down a little.

Anyways, this morning, before waking up, I had dream after dream where I actually laughed. It was all school-related, either the setting or the people, involving very bizarre situations, and all pretty funny. But I can't remember now. Dreams are really like elusive wisps of __(insert something poetic)___.

Then in the car to work I kept on finding so many things funny, but not lol-ing lah.

And today was a pretty good day, considering how moody the past few weeks have been.

Ah a burst of sunbeam

In conclusion?

One of my problems with sociology is I feel that you end up with a bunch of theories in hand that offer possible explanations for something, but nothing concrete.
So you have to choose one and take a stand, says my tutor.
He also says everything is relative, or something like that. (I'm not sure if he said everything..)

I do subscribe to relativism, well most of the time, cos I do believe we don't know the truth. I think I've talked about this before, like how can I say that your God is wrong while you could say the same of mine.

But, but I do have my faith and convictions.

Still deep deep (deep down sounded cliche-d) I knew relativism was inconclusive, that it was there to breed tolerance and maintain peace.
And the problem with it that there was no truth, no absolutes. And I believe in a God that is all-knowing, thus there was an absolute truth. So very very uncomfortable I feel when we are forced to conclude that everything is relative.
But that's because we as man cannot know.

Is that why we need faith? For I will never never possess the knowledge that concludes my God is God. (no evidence is infallible- man's limit)

With that faith, I believe in the little that He reveals to us in His book, or however He wishes.
I obey His laws, that stem from his knowledge of truth, that I may have this yardstick to carry on with my life, cos I do find relativism rather paralysing, when you cannot act because uncertainty always plagues, ie you never know if you're doing the "right" thing.

With my limits in mind, (I really really have this small nagging feeling I haven't completed this thought process yet), perhaps in another year, or after another discussion I will come to another conclusion.

//
I tried reading back to the end of 2007, trying to remember how it was. Hmm but I didn't blog much, and I guess the stress was spread out, with all the projects and stuff. Now, everything pretty much hinges on the final exam. or so it feels.
Anyways, I find a certain distance from the person speaking say in October 07, some lines I cannot remember why I wrote. And this person, who speaks so, so brash, so teenage-like. Using a lot of "like" and so on so on.
Maybe I'm still the same. But nowadays I'm more inhibited (or being policed), or well, there are walls between me and you, the reader. Today I got this feeling that it's been so long, so long, since I've had that connection, of sharing a part of me to a stranger. Which is something all together different from sharing the same woes to your close friends, who I guess is so used to it, that perhaps, it got a bit old, that they couldn't be cared for anymore. (not me, the woes) (or maybe we all have the same woes and wallow wallow wallow) or maybe I don't want to sound like broken record, burdening and burdening. (though I do which I'm sure anh and rowe will testify)

*I know, what's up with the repetition? haha I guess from a lit pov, the echoing is a sense of despondence, wailing? haha*

I feel this dissatisfaction is so wrong, the crave for a kind of human company. That it means I'm not fitting right with God.

Being yours is suppose to be easy, innit?

Worldview

Reading my (American) sociology textbook, reading the chapter on deviance and crime.

Reading on how different theories explain causes of deviance and crime.


When I find myself agreeing, I realise it's because it's something I watched in movies.

Scary huh, I readily absorb what I see in movies as the real thing. True, many depict things realistically, but many don't. Even many that portray a true story colour things a bit. Documentaries can be biased and don't show you the whole thing.

So how now?

theories theories theories = not the truth

So depressing

Haha. I do realise that recently my posts have been written on the spur of welling up of negative emotions.

I do think I choose to be negative, mostly about life now, especially since I'm trapped (note choice of word) in this NUS bubble. Staying in hall is a cause. But then again, even if I stayed off campus, I don't know if I'd have much of a life. Hmm. But I would like to imagine living a mix of this and this. Like do art, photography (going to places to shoot), visiting museums, obscure interesting places in singapore, sitting in idyllic cafes for long hours reading/chatting, nostalgic nature walks. Time to ponder and reflect I guess.

I think it's possible to be passionate about hall life and stuff, ..*thinking, becoming down about it*... ahem, maybe next sem yea. Heh, optimistic yes?

So let me tell you something funny that happened the other day.

I went running at night (Oh shoots that reminds me I haven't change my contact lens solution! it's been more than 3 days:( ). Yup I went running alone, it was about 11pm. Now now I've considered the dangers, but it was on campus and I planned to stick to the main roads.
So I got a good pace (rare esp with no one to pace me), and then this car coming in the opp direction (see I am cautious, a true KLite huh), slows and obviously would be someone asking for directions.
Sure enough, this guy wanted to know where McDonald's was. Here's how the conversation went:
(Let's call him McLoser as you'll see why later. I know labeling but you'll see he really deserves it)

McLoser: Hey do you know where McDonald's is?
Me: Erm, *thinks*, you turn left at the roundabout.. then...*thinks how complicated it is. It is!* I don't think it's open now (11 plus yousee). Why don't you try the West Coast one. You go this way...
McLoser: Oh oh the NTU one closes at 12am, so should be still open la. Anyways, it's cheaper here:D
Me: *ROLLS EYES* (as you can see loser trait number one: now a penny saved is a penny gained, but when you're so driven to save a few bucks even when you can't find the place. and if you have a car I"m sure you can afford a meal that cost a few more. Anyways, if you really wanted to save money you wouldn't be buying Macs.) Erm okay, you go straight, turn left at the roundabout, then you'll see *thinks of Central Libray, and Macs will be on the right, but he's in a car! How do you direct him to park and walk.....argh..*
McLoser: Nevermind, which building is it?
Me: Engin *thinks hello it is so big you think you can find it?*
McLoser: Oh okay, cos I use to be a student here.

Me: ----------------________________________________-------------------------

McLoser: Which faculty are you from ah?
Me: erm.. science.
McLoser: Oh me too me too. You stay in hall is it?
Me: erm.. yeah.. *starts turnign my body away at this point*
McLoser: Oh I see I see..*mumbles something I can't remember as I start to semi-panic*
Me: *interrupts him* Ok bye! *Starts jogging*
McLoser: Oh ok ok, thanks, nice to meet you.
I RUN.

Ok so nothing right, continue running.

Then.

Horrors. Out of the corner of my eye I see headlights coming from behind and the car slows down.

He follows me, shouting from the other side of the road,
McLoser: Hey thanks ah, but I decided to go to NUH to eat alr.
Me: *thinks wouldn't NUH be closed at this time? !!dodgy liar!!* Ok great!(Good for you!) Bye! *turns to run off*
McLoser: ok bye bye.. Hey hey! My name is Peter! What's your name?
Me: (Am so stunned I completely stop at this moment) *thinks furtively for a fake name. Mind blanks* -Prisca. (cringes inwardly)
McLoser: Oh nice to meet you Prisca.
Me: Ok *painful smile* Bye! *starts running*
McLoser: Oh bye, bye!.... Oh oh hey would you be interested in meeting up sometime?
Me: *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzmmp* (you know that sound effect in videos when everything stops because of something incredulous being said?) (I'm lost for words. Actually I was thinking of shouting Get Lost or something ruder and was struggling internally.).... N.o.t. i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t.e.d.
McLoser: ok *mumbles mumbles*
Me: Bye *runs off without caring whether he's still talking*

At this point I'm completely freaked. I think he made a U-turn. Because of it, I debated whether to run the route as it passed quite an isolated road. Anyways, I turned, and on my way back I saw a car idling by the road near SDE, so being paranoid it could be him trying to track which hall I stayed in, I ran through library.

Yup, so hope you found that entertaining. Cos I did, freaked out and all.

Where there is no God,

there is no meaning.

and this "where", applies to our friendship too.

Oh how I would like for that to be true. But God loves you too. And God wants to be "there".

But your apathy cuts deep. Funny how your indifference makes such a difference in me.

Cringe

I put a note on facebook regarding something I was trying to figure out,
and then when I went away, stepped back, I realised it was simple and.. ?

Then the replies came in, and I felt.. so stupid. I mean so ignorant. Not a bad ignorant, just lacking knowledge. I suppose I should accept it humbly instead of feeling stupid, but I can;t help but cringe.

Ah well, shameful as it is, baby steps.